烏龍王入籍記

入籍個陣時個個都好辛苦啊我都係嘎ok?唔係話啊你識講個幾句就ok,你要識個啲歷史啊知道嘛 (龍友:係啊,有100條,你唔知道佢俾邊十條你啊)你唔知佢問邊條啊嘛!(龍友:咁先至慘啊,你一百條都要識㗎真係啊…)

係啊!個陣時我入籍呢,我請左律師啊ok?請左嗰老番律師(一起)去啊ok。咁去到呢佢都有提下我嘎。個人(考官)嗌我數,數五個總統出來啦咁。數數下我都唔記得左(龍友:咁你咪數埋自己咯哈哈)哈哈哈.. 自己一捋(害怕)呢,就唔記得左了,收尾嗰律師就咁講,佢話:“第一屆總統係邊個啊?”我一醒,醒起係George Washington啦喂…咁一講,個人就:“okokok“,咁就又叫我寫幾句英文咯ok?(佢叫我)寫個幾句英文又好淺(簡單)嘎咋:I have a big house. 咁你話幾淺啦係未?Easy啦!咁我寫左,佢話:“ok啦!點解你講講下又唔識講㗎?”我話:“I’m nervous,ok?” 我就咁講俾佢聽了,佢話:“Dont’ worry, don’t worry” 唉你講don’t worry啫,我自己驚啊嘛係未咁講啊喂?

真係好驚㗎去到個度。一問到我都成個責一責(停一停)的ok?我都去左幾次廁所啊,我係度等入籍個時。 個律師一咪:“relax,relax”。(我心唸:)你坐我隔離緊係咁講啦係未?但係我唔係幾識㗎嘛係未?我驚佢一抽抽中我呢,我自己都好捋(害怕)啊,我都好捋㗎ok。

(龍友:其實律師係冇用㗎,佢唔會有咩提點你的。)唔係!佢最後都係提下我。佢一問到總統個度,我真係停一停㗎ok?咁我唔記得左了,佢叫我數五個總統出來哇。數數下都唔記得左(龍友:唔夠你未數埋自己咯)。收尾佢話:“第一任總統係邊個啊”咁我就醒起啦。咁就快啲答左佢啦ok?咁跟住呢,佢就一路咁問我(即係填上去紙個啲咯)佢一路問我一路答咁咯。

佢話你唔洗驚㗎ok?我問你你答得都幾好㗎ok?咁因為我讀識曬個啲我謹係曉啦係未?咁你順著落,我又係屋企順著睇過,我又去考過試㗎哇去個律師樓係嘛?考過我先去㗎ok?。哇,學我阿媽話齋,好似考狀元咁啊。我媽成日都話考狀元(咁難)。你話死嘛?我自己都好捋(害怕)㗎ok?

我有次仲烏龍啊。我臨去入籍個陣時啦喂,我記錯左日子啊。本來10號去考㗎啦,我講俾屋企人聽我話17號咁。後尾我阿媽話:“好似唔係喔阿bo,你講錯左了喔”。我話:“係係係係係(17號)!”咁。 (結果)個律師係移民局度等我啊去到,佢話點解唔見左我,就打返去office穩我。律师話:“點解唔見左個PoYuk來㗎”(電話裡的人)佢話:“冇來咩?”(律師)佢話:“冇啊”。收尾(律師office的人)就打電話來問我,我話:“唔係!個律師記錯左我話”(龍友:哈哈哈頸硬啊你)…”你自己(宜家)係屋企!”咁我話:“點算啊”,咁佢話:“冇辦法啦,改期咯ok?”(龍友:哦,有得俾你改期咪好咯~好多你唔來到當你棄填啊)

我阿媽咪話咯:“(通知)寄來左了,我聽你講過啫,你又唔俾我地睇!”我唸著我自己睇過就冇錯啦,點知道就係錯左。真係懵醒醒(傻呼呼),我做人就係咁就咁就過左幾廿年了真係。懵醒醒咁就過左幾十年了

The Chronicles of Oolong King’s Citizenship (Oolong King is someone prone to comical blunders)

Getting citizenship was tough for everyone, right? It’s not just about being able to speak a few sentences. You need to know the history, the facts. (Yan: Yes, there are 100 questions, and you don’t know which ten they’ll ask you.) You never know which ones they’ll ask! (Yan: That’s the real struggle, you have to know all 100 questions, really…) 

Yes! When I was getting my citizenship, I hired a lawyer, okay? I hired that western lawyer to come with me. When we got there, he sort of nudged me along. The officer called me to list, list out five presidents, just like that. As I was listing, I forgot (Yan: then you can just count yourself in, haha) haha… I got so nervous, I forgot, then the lawyer chipped in, asking, “Who was the first president?” Suddenly, I remembered it was George Washington… and just like that, the officer was like, “okokok,” and then he asked me to write a few sentences in English, okay? He asked me to write something simple: I have a big house. That’s simple, right? Easy! So I wrote it, and he was like, “Okay! Why do you stumble when speaking?” I said, “I’m nervous, okay?” I told him so, and he said, “Don’t worry, don’t worry.” But you’re just saying don’t worry, I was freaking out, you know? 

I was really scared when I got there. Every time I was asked a question, I hesitated okay? I even went to the bathroom several times while waiting for my citizenship. The lawyer kept saying: “relax, relax.” (I thought:) You’re just sitting there with me, of course, you’d say that, right? But I’m not that knowledgeable, yeah? I was scared he’d pick on me, I was really nervous okay! 

(Yan: Actually, lawyers are useless, they won’t give you any pointers.) Not true! He did give me a little help in the end. When it got to the presidents, I really hesitated, okay? I forgot, and he asked me to name five presidents. I forgot (Yan: it’s not enough unless you count yourself). In the end, he said, “Who’s the first president?” and that woke me up. So I answered him quickly, okay? And then, he kept asking me (as I filled out the paper) one question after another. He said you don’t have to be scared, okay? 

He said you’re answering quite well, okay? Because I memorized all of them, I knew them, right? So I followed along, I had read them at home, and I had taken the test at the lawyer’s office, hadn’t I? I went there after I had passed my own tests, okay? My mom always said it’s as hard as getting the top score in the imperial exams. She always compared it to that (imperial exams). Can you imagine? I was so nervous, okay? 

I even made a silly mistake once. I got the date wrong for my citizenship exam. It was supposed to be on the 10th, but I told my family it was the 17th. Then my mom said, “It doesn’t seem right, Ah bo, you got it wrong.” I insisted, “Yes, yes, it’s the 17th!” Then the lawyer waited for me at the immigration office. He wondered why I didn’t show up and called back to the office to check on me. The lawyer said, “Why didn’t PoYuk come?” The person on the phone said, “Didn’t she come?” The lawyer said, “No.” Then they called me and I said, “No! The lawyer got it wrong,” (Yan: haha, you’re so stubborn). “You’re still at home!” So I said, “What should I do now?” and they said, “No choice, reschedule it, okay? ” (Yan: Oh, they let you reschedule, that’s good – many would consider it a no-show.) 

My mom then said, “The notification (of the citizenship exam) came, I heard you talk about it, and you didn’t even let us read it!” I thought I had checked and it would be all right, but it turned out to be wrong. I was really confused, I’ve been like this, just like this for decades. Confusedly getting by for many years.

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